I’d like to introduce you to my old friend Hope. While she may look all innocent with all that hopey hopefulness, deep down she is really just a bitch.

With 26 day cycles all year, my 32 day cycle was seeming promising. That all came crashing down. I guess acupuncture has extended my LP? The universe likes to fuck with me?

We have until Sun. to decide if I will start BCPs and get this show on the road. The problem is I’m going back and forth. What I really want is a pregnancy AND my 12 grand. Or at least a guarantee that IVF will work. I know I’m just so fucking unique here.

Because I was not paying attention to when I was supposed to start BCPs, I missed starting them this month. Do we all know what that means? I’m not on them thus, there is no real reason not to throw some sperm up there. Right!? Unless you want to count another month of heartache. Oh yeah, I would have that anyway. Try #21? Clearly I’ve crossed the line over to insanity. Or just stupid-dum.

Because I like fluff…You put your name followed by ‘needs’ into google and write down the first ten responses (or 5).

Amy needs to find a home where she can spend her golden years and be a cherished member of the family.

Amy needs another cocktail before facing police.

Amy Needs Some Readers.

Amy needs a new pair of shoes.

Amy needs a swift kick in the pants.

Baby J sleeps through the night for the first time! Such a big boy.

I’m totally miffed by this…the day nanny writes a daily log (I read it because I’m nosyI like to keep up with the kids). In her last entry she wrote something to the extent of, “baby J was wriggling in Amy’s arms; I went over there and he was so excited to see me. That made me feel so good”.

I want to write:

Dear D,

I did not care for the way that was worded. If your going to write my name, make sure it’s 100% positive. Unless of course your are raising a concern to the parents regarding my care for the baby. You could have left my name out of it completely by just saying, “he lights up when he sees me”. FYI he was just waking up from being swaddled all night. So, yes, he was moving. He was by no means unhappy in my arms. He was also ready for a new face as he had been with mine all night long.

Signed

A

I don’t know why this is bugging me so much. It’s just an example of how I sweat the small stuff. I do need to say something to her or else I will obsess about this for way to long for ever.

:(

CD1.

IVF bound.

So, he teaches the ethics of tax law! Well, hell, I didn’t know that. That still does not explain the over-time situation. But I’m putting that to rest.

I am once again exhausted. On top of that I am very uncomfortable. I can’t even imagine what stimming for IVF will feel like; I’m sure what I’m feeling now is nothing compared to that.

It’s really annoying when people say, “this will happen for you”. Um, actually you don’t freaking know that. I don’t even know that. If I did know that than this would not hurt so much. If you knew that you’d be psychic and making a killing in the IF world.

The hot*sling and I have become friends. I’m glad I stuck with it.

 Meal planning day 2 (insides below). I don’t have my sheet with me but I think this meal came to around $3.67/person. It was supposed to be vegetarian but I decided to use the left over chicken.

 Onion, garlic, orange pepper, chicken, Cuban style black beans, corn, spinach, salt, and pepper. No salsa or sour cream needed.

Up again

Well, they don’t call this a roller coaster ride for nothing. For those riding along with me, isn’t this fun?

Today’s E2 level is 2090. Just to review it went from 500 up to 937 back down to 837 back up to 2090. On a post I have yet to publish, I was just commenting on how uncomfortable I am. It’s no wonder; my ovaries are as big as they have ever been. I have a ton of follies, but, unfortunately only 2 that are worth anything. The good thing is that I have one on each side.

So, when I talked with the doc about the info I found on-line…he said that if it were the ganarelix that caused my number to drop we would have seen that drop the first night I took it. The first night I took it my E2 shot from 500 to 937. So, I don’t know why it dropped after that. We will just call it lab error. It does seem as if this clinic always jumps to worst case scenario. Which I do want to know. But, what reaction does the doc expect when he says, 1 of 2 things happened you already ovulated or it’s poor follicle quality?  Not equally, but, both devastating.

I just did my trigger. We will insem on Monday night, some 30hrs after trigger.

Next Post

Yeah, dr. goo*gle? When has this ever been a good idea?

This is what I have found so far…

The introduction of Ganirelix can slow down follicle growth. Ganirelix not only suppresses LH so you don’t ovulate on your own – it also suppresses E2.

According to this morning u/s I had no growth. Of course I have been on ganarelix before and this has never happened.

So, I feel a little better. I wish my doc gave me this info instead of getting me going.

And this cycle just went to hell in a hand basket.

My E2 dropped. This could mean one of two things: 1. I already ovulated. Doc does not find this likely because my progesterone would be higher than it is. 2. Poor egg quality. Read–premature ovarian reserve. Fuck.

I did not really get into details with the doc. Hopefully we will find out more tomorrow.

….off to consult dr. goo*gle.

Of Course

Yep, u/s tomorrow. Possible trigger. Crap, I forgot to ask about my E2. Oh well. I’m glad I did not spend too too much time fretting about something beyond my control. We will just have to make it work. After much discussion DP and I decided not to insem Friday night. And thankfully KD is willing to stop back in town before he goes out of town. So, we will do an insem Saturday mid-afternoon. So that is still day of (possible) trigger. And I guess we are going to do another insem Sunday night. As Monday morning is not an option and Monday night seems to late? Maybe Monday night is not to late at all. Maybe that actually works out better. Maybe we should skip the Sunday insem? In the whole spirit of doing it every other day. I guess I’ll ask the doc tomorrow morn.

I am exhausted. I slept 4.5hrs. in the past 24, 6hrs in the 24 before that, and 1.5hrs in the 24 before that. But, I’m going to be sleeping at work every chance I get. I asked my employers if  they would pay me cash for anything over 40hrs. (because I’m not getting over-time, it would be an incentive to work all these extra hrs, this is short term, and I’m saving for IVF). They seemed very uncomfortable that I would even ask. Hello, it’s okay for you to cook the books to make it looklike you pay your staff over-time but not really pay them over-time? But when it comes claiming income all the sudden it has to be by the book? So now I feel I have to? should? ok more like entitled to sleep every chance I get just to make up for the fact I am not getting an over-time rate. I feel the resentment building. Not good. This is temporary. This is temporary. And I like being here. I LOVE taking care of this babe. I should stop complaining. I’m so bitchy.

Off topic

Meal Planning: Week 1

Day 1 (Fri.)

 Chicken Cesar Wrap with tomato and avocado served with sweet potato rounds. This meal cost $2.36/person! And I only ate half so I could take the rest to work.

Sat. Black bean and corn quesadillas.

Sun. Dinner at Grandmas.

Mon. Split Pea Dahl with brown rice and sweet potato rounds.

Tue. Cabbage Rolls.